[fic]The Unforeseen Joys of Being a Teenager

[transient_words]

Disclaimer: I don't own a scratch which, I believe, to be a good thing.

Rating: T

Summary: It isn't enough that his brother is a mass murderer, his teacher a sadistic pervert and his team a bunch of incompetent ninnies. Now his rival claims to like him. This is ultimate proof of the fact that universe hates Sasuke.

Notes:
 
This probably isn’t the most original or literate -thing out there, but intended to be silly. If this enjoyable to read, then I’ve fulfilled my purpose. For once, I am glad that I did not write angst. All criticism accepted.

.....

There were days, which occurred quite often in his life, when Sasuke Uchiha was deadly certain that the entire universe, macro and micro cosmos included, was unfavourably inclined towards him. Not merely unfavourably disposed towards his very existence, but intent on driving his last shreds of sanity into the blissful state of being locked up in the booby hatch.

At the age of eight, he had not only lost his family, but had been subjected to psychological issues that no one -- not even the most wayward and thieving scum -- deserved to have. It should have been decidedly bad enough that he had been suffering from inferiority issues and inherent masochism all his life, now thirst for vengeance and anti-social tendencies were cheerfully heaped upon the burden that threatened to send him over the edge, one of these days.

As it was, God must have planned his fate when he had either been drunk, ready to pull someone’s leg, or in the mood to display his sarcastic tendencies. Whichever it was, Sasuke, who wasn’t someone to defy a deity’s logic -- though it did seem a tad bit irrational to him, could not help wondering why his life such hellhole of desolation. Why others, far more inferior to him, led better lives than he did and a genius like himself was lumbered with all of this.

After all, it should have been enough that his teacher, who had been entrusted with his education, was an unquestionably sadistic, nonchalant and insane pervert. It is also shouldn’t be necessary to mention that having a pack of annoying females stalking him all day didn’t belong to the most pleasant aspects of his life. Unlike other boys his age, he really didn’t enjoy the company of sexually overenthusiastic females. It was positively disgusting, appalling and bothersome, even though other boys in his position would have willingly put on lipstick and endured hours of watching soap operas with their mothers to suffer from the same “distress”, for lack of better word.

Then again, Sasuke didn’t possess anything pleasant in his life because, according to him, everything was insignificant, unless it directly involved his brother in some way. Sasuke, that was a universally acknowledged fact, would have done anything – even if involved lap-dancing and flaunting baroque poetry in a tutu – to defeat his homicidally talented elder brother.

So far, Sasuke was doing a pretty good job of being solely concerned on growing stronger and ignoring everything else that he failed to notice the rather disturbing and unsettling behaviour of his rival and closeted best friend on one of these jolly good days.

Of course, it wasn’t that Naruto behaved that unusually, for he had always been loud, brash and desirous of attracting attention; even his clothing, an aggressively-charged orange, was prone to draw anyone’s attention, even if it had been midnight and the spectators had consisted of a hoard of bulls. It is, of course, widely-known that these animals are uncommonly fond of bright colours and that Naruto would have been highly popular among them.

Although, Sasuke remained wonderfully ignorant, Kakashi observed that the blond was uncharacteristically thoughtful and determined, for he noticed his trembling frame, clenched fists and squinting eyes. In fact, it looked as if Naruto were suffering from a hysterical fit of some sort that made him spin in circles and talk like a parrot on a sugar high. Meaning that Naruto was even more excitable and hyper than usual which bore the following consequence: each of his sentences was a jumbled, crammed mess of jargon that was barely coherent.

He also noticed, with mild interest, how the boy kept eyeing Sasuke with poorly disguised intensity: his eyes, seemingly transfixed, were glued on him like a lobster that has latched itself preposterously onto someone’s nose, not willing to let go.

Still, Kakashi being – well – himself, he did not give this any further thought and settled back to reading his preferred literature, which, had he belonged to the wizarding society, he would have termed as being better – so to speak – than Firewhisky and Butterbeer combined. Nothing, not even a pot of gold and diamonds cluttered together in abundance, could beat the undeniable genius and brilliance of the author, whose aim in life was to collect all available data on the enigma that was the other sex. Kakashi, being a lonely man, could only profit from these enlightening revelations.

Notwithstanding, whatever Naruto’s agonies were, they could not be more important than the intellectually stimulating prose he was reading. Besides, if it was a matter between the two hot-headed and immature brats, Kakashi felt that the best thing he could do was to not interfere: he was neither a matchmaker nor a babysitter, thank you very much.

Sakura, had she not come down with fever a couple of days before, might have noticed that something was seriously amiss and more than possibly, done something against it -- even if it had involved a lot of screaming and pummelling certain idiots to the ground. Unfortunately, she wasn’t there.
Hence, Sasuke remained fairly oblivious, until that idiotic, scum and good for nothing Naruto Uzumaki dared to open his mouth and mumble something that incoherently dumb, foolish and perversely idiotic that even an inebriated donkey would have deemed it necessary to smash its head against a wooden door, framed with spiky needles.

....

They were alone at that time, in a wide grassy space, surrounded by large, overbearing trees, where the sound of creaking, twigs cracking and skittering could be perceived vividly, if one bothered to pay attention to it, which, of course, neither of the boys did.

Of course, there were other animate objects out there that are characteristic of a wood, but more descriptions aren’t necessary, as they are hardly of any relevance to the occurrences that took place in any major way. Notwithstanding, it is perhaps of interest to note that it was unusually hot on that day and that the heat was of such an obtrusive and abominably stubborn quality even the rats that were hiding in the bushes, judging by the rattling, seemed to suffocate under the piercing rays of the hellish sun.

“I think … I like you, bastard,” Naruto proclaimed grudgingly and with a drastic force, sputtering out the single syllables as if they were physically painful and causing him to feel bursts of stinging stomach ache. Supporting that impression, he stood there, nearly crouched, scratching his head awkwardly, with lips pressed tightly together and his face convulsing at strange angles, as if he had swallowed a bottle of poison and was going to choke to death at any given moment.

For a moment following that eloquent confession, Sasuke stared and stared for so long, burning figurative holes into the air, that he nearly gained the expression of a dead fish.

“So, whaddya say?”

An awkward, eerie quietness, which seemed to stretch towards the point of infinity, loomed over the place and Sasuke believed he could hear the inner workings of his body, including the digestive system and his own heart hammering sickeningly against his chest. He didn’t like that feeling and shook it off, trying to remind himself that this was beyond laughable: the dead-last, that pathetic prankster was making fun of him. Or it could be something else, for it did not fail to capture his attention that Naruto wasn’t grinning at all.

Taking the suffocating weather into account, he reasoned that some part of Naruto’s brain had fallen prey to the heat and melted to a foul mess of nerves and, in the process, rendered him incapable of thinking coherently. Not that Naruto had ever been blessed with inherent wisdom and sensibility, but even this was below par his usual stupidity: it couldn’t possibly be that Naruto was that much of an idiot.

Whether that theory was biological or logically possible, Sasuke did not ponder over, as he was as far from being a biologist as a swine is from being a human (though some scientists reason that some humans, just like that inarguably noble brand of mammals, are uncommonly altruistic towards their fellowmen and well-bred when it comes to their eating habits). Instead, he merely rolled his eyes, contemplated Naruto with considerable indifference and shrugging his shoulders, was about to turn around and leave when he heard a groan, then the cracking of bones and hastily paced footsteps edging towards him.

“Oi, don’t you fucking ignore me when I’m talking to you, asshole!”

Before Sasuke could do anything, calloused hands had grabbed him by the lapels of his shirt and he came face to face with an infuriated Naruto who looked ready to pounce on him.

“Sure, because whatever you say is worth a pot of gold and essential for the survival of mankind,” Sasuke muttered angrily, pushing the grimy hands off of him. Again, for the hundredth time, he wondered whether he shouldn’t have just stayed at home and done something productive with his time, like plotting the death of Itachi or obsessing over his past. This, whatever this new game of Naruto’s was supposed to be, was a damned waste of his brain cells and if there was one thing he loathed, it was making himself dumber with every passing second by simply listening to this bullshit.

“Look I’m serious, as hard as it is for me to accept. I didn’t want this, but…” Naruto started before, reflecting for a second, he resumed with renewed passion, “I really do like you, even though you’re an arrogant bastard ….”

“Naruto, if this is your idea of a joke…” Sasuke said, trying to maintain an icily calm tone, though his insides were burning with rage and he wanted to box the other’s ears relentlessly and knock his teeth for even daring to say such things.

“Are you deaf? I told you I wasn’t joking … I wish it was, but it isn’t! Deal with it!” Naruto exclaimed with such earnestness and genuine despair that it shocked the other boy to the core. Had it had been someone else, he might have brushed it off, but this being Naruto, who was honest to the point of vulgarity, he simply couldn’t ignore it. Naruto couldn’t be brushed off like a speck of dust.

Naruto was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling in quick movements and his eyes were wild and seething with something indefinable. Still, unable to deal with it, Sasuke forced himself to believe that it was a lie: the last thing he needed in his life at present was this.

“Naruto, this is pathetic. Don’t expect me to listen to your foolish tirades because I won’t, under any circumstances, be fooled by you.”

For a moment, there was no reply and Sasuke hoped that it had gotten through Naruto’s thick skull; he hoped that the dimwit understood that this was foolishness, that liking him was futile and would only lead to disappointment and heartache.

“Sasuke, I’m not fooling you. Trust me, damn it.”

His voice was soft, implying that this wasn’t any of his pranks. Looking in his face, Sasuke saw that his expression was far from being mocking; there was nothing but downright honesty there, the sort that never dodges and is truthful to the last, even if it has to perish to prove its worth.

Then, without warning or preparation, Sasuke felt warm, sweating hands grabbing his cheek roughly and warm huffing against his skin; it caused a prickling sensation and caused him to shiver slightly because it made him feel excited and anxious in a way he couldn’t understand. He had forgotten that they were only a few inches apart. However, the feel of ramen-infested breath against his nose reminded him of the proximity and, though he was slightly irritated by the closeness, he did not feel intimidated.

At least, that was until something soft and wet came into contact with his lips. For a sheer second, the world came to a halt and shock grappled him: it was as if a ball had hit him directly against his face, but he felt no pain –nothing, other than this curious feeling of puzzlement and incredulity.

His eyes widened when he realised what was going on: Naruto was, for inexplicable and insane reasons, actually kissing him. It was an unfamiliar and slightly disturbing sensation, so wholly unlike their first kiss because this was tentative; as tentative and breakable as a hut made out of stick-thin matches with leaves for a hut, ready to collapse by one brief stirring of the wind.

There wasn’t any of that annoying energetic passion that he had come to associate with Naruto, but there was only that slight pressure and the feather-light contact of intimacy and warmth.

When he opened his mouth to protest (or so he told himself), Naruto startled him again by biting his bottom lip, rousing a gentle protest from him which was suppressed by another series of kisses. Of course, Naruto being himself, he didn’t stop at that, but started attacking his neck with wet kisses and caresses that again renewed that tingling feeling in his spine: Sasuke felt like tumbling and leaning back against stopping to stop the dizziness from spreading in his body and mind.

He felt perspiration break out on his forehead and his hands trembled, though he was far from being scared. Still, he didn’t move, lest it proved that he was agreeing to this and there was no way – under any perceivable circumstance – that he had agreed on this. His subconscious, be damned. It was not his heart that was a-flutter and nor were these thoughts -- these muddled, confused and incoherent thoughts -- his, either.

Then, just like that, Naruto pulled back. For what seemed years, Sasuke merely stood there paralysed, his eyes widened and his left hand, slowly gaining life, made contact with his own lips; just holding and with his eyebrows furrowed, he wondered what the hell had just happened.

All of a sudden, breaking his reverie, Naruto slammed his own forehead against Sasuke’s which resulted in a banging sound. That motion, which was unexpectedly ferocious and cruelly violent in its force, sent the boy slamming against a tree; a loud thudding sound resonated throughout the area, causing a ruckus which sent some birds, all a-shriek in their terror, to spread their wings and flutter away.

“What was that for, idiot?” Sasuke yelled incredulously rubbing his throbbing head and he would have sent the retard flying against something preferably hard, had it not been for his aching head. After all, it was foolish to combat, if the enemy seemed to be swirling and had suddenly gained several doppelgangers. Still, there wasn’t anything more memorable about a second -- decidedly unwished and uncalled for – kiss than relishing in the comforts of physical violence.

“You’re supposed to kiss me back. That’s the deal. It’s no fun kissing a fucking zombie.”

“I didn’t want to be kissed by you, you useless moron and I don’t kiss like that!” the dark-haired boy muttered through gritted teeth, trying to push back the anger that was pulsing in his veins.

“Well, you didn’t really try hard to push me away. And if you don’t kiss like a zombie, prove it,” the other merely said in a taunting tone.

Sasuke didn’t offer a reply and crossing his arms over his chest, merely snorted: he wasn’t going to satisfy the dead last by freaking out. That would have been foolish and, not to mention, embarrassing. Also, he wasn’t going to prove anything, either, because there wasn’t anything to prove.

“Just admit that you like me.”

“Why would I ever like you?”

“That’s easy because I’m sexy and all kinds of awesome.”

“Shut up or I’ll kill you, I swear I will.”

Sasuke, in the aftermath of these surprising, head-crashing events, decided two things: he hated Naruto --would stomp on that imbecile’s grave with much glee – and that he loathed above all, with the passion of a thousand burning sums, his own hormones.

How, in the name of anything that was worth worshipping (even if it was a duck enshrouded in gold), should he ever defeat Itachi, if his body urged him to do things that weren’t only unsanitary and humiliating, but distracted him from his goal?

For, in the midst of all this confusion, Sasuke had experienced a marvellous epiphany: kissing Naruto, of all people, was actually enjoyable. That, of all sickening possibilities, wasn’t the worst: it hadn’t only been enjoyable which was horrible enough, but he had liked it so much that he could imagine doing it again, unabashedly, over and over again. It was official now: the universe hated him and he was nothing, but a damnable fortune’s fool. To prove this, Naruto just wouldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“You know, Sasuke. I don’t understand why you’re that mad. It’s not my fault that you’re a bad kisser.”

“Naruto…” Sasuke whispered warningly, feeling that he would not be able to uphold his façade of indifference for long.

“Not everyone is blessed in that department. Come on; just admit that you’re a frigid asshole with an inferiority complex. You’re lucky that I like you, though. I’m the only one who can put up with your drama-queen antics. ” Naruto told him smugly, his words deliberately calculating and triggering Sasuke’s ego at the right spot.

Something at that moment went bang in Sasuke’s brain; a part of the machinery broke down and released something that had never been unleashed before. It was like a shutdown, as if all the inner walls around the self-constructed hardness of his being had been crushed and a voice inside told him to screw everything and just go for the kill.

Itachi, for all he cared, could get struck by lightning and rot in the infernal paradise for eternity, he would just do what his body told him to do; his sense of logic had jumped out of the window and the only thing that guided him now was the longing to feel and touch.

If others could get away with this, so could he. Even if it was selfish, unforgivable and immature, Sasuke wanted to forget and most of all, wipe that self-satisfied grin out of Naruto’s face. He would prove, once and for all, that he couldn’t be toyed around with.

“I, on the other hand, am a natural —“

“Shut up.”

Sasuke tackled the fool like a bitch in heat and ended, in a series of them rolling and tumbling on the ground, during which process their clothes became rumpled and hair dishevelled, on top of him. This resulted in Naruto, who was flabbergasted beyond belief, trying to push him off, but Sasuke wisely intervened by holding both of his thrashing arms down.

“Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?”

“I told you to shut up, didn’t I?”

Before he could say anything else, Sasuke kissed him savagely on the mouth, nearly injuring both of them in the process. The other gasped, thus allowed him to slam his tongue into his mouth. Having never bothered to listen to his wise elders, he had not learnt that making out with someone wasn’t about grinding one’s lips against another’s person and that it didn’t go hand in hand with suffocation.

“Sasuke, hold it. Don’t bite my tongue off and you’re allowed to breathe, by the way. ”

“If you say one more word, I’ll kick your ass so hard that you won’t be able to walk for a week.”

However, when their lips met again, Sasuke did breathe through the nose and slowed down, realising that there was, as much as he was loathe to admit it, a grain of truth in the other boy’s words. When he kissed Naruto this time, it was slower, though he wasn’t any less fierce. Then again, just because they were kissing, it didn’t mean that he was going to be gentle: Naruto could handle it.

Meanwhile Naruto seemed to lose himself in the sensation. Lazily, as if he had all time in the world, he returned Sasuke’s violent kisses and ran his hands through the other’s thick, messy hair. Then, he shifted slightly, flipped them over and forced Sasuke on his back, kissing him roughly.

Sasuke’s eyes opened wide when he felt hands gliding underneath his shirt and fingers slowly tracing his skin; it felt surprisingly good, the tingling making him tremble slightly. To his surprise, he started to whimper, though he tried to hide it from Naruto: this was too embarrassing and if there was one thing, he didn’t wish to reveal about himself was that this was affecting him.

Naruto didn’t pay any heed though, but continued his movements that caused him to whimper and squirm even more, which, in a moment of agony, made him push the other away.

“That’s quite enough,” Sasuke said firmly, even though his face was slightly flushed, “What if Kakashi came here to find us like this?”

“I don’t think he’d care. Besides, he’s probably gone home. It’s not like we did any real training today,”

The way Naruto emphasised the word “training”, however, left no doubt about the fact that some sort of the aforementioned action had taken place. If Sasuke had felt up to it, he would have knocked some sense into him, but feeling idle and exhausted due to the heat and confusing events that had taken place, he just sighed and did his best to feign nonchalance. Yet, as always, even that move didn’t stop Naruto from talking; then again, not even the apocalypse itself could have kept him from blabbering idiocy.

“You don’t suck that much, after all,” Naruto said amusedly, “Though, I’m still better.”

There was no doubt about it: the impish grin, the suggestiveness in his look was a challenge, a not-so-subtle invitation to continue this little game and find out who was truly better at this.

Sasuke felt that he should have kicked the idiot's ass and run for the hills, but he just didn't feel like it. Perhaps, it was foolishness, but then again, if the universe hated him enough to place him in such a situation, he wasn’t going to satisfy it by avoidance; that was a thing cowards did and he wasn’t one. Besides, though he wouldn’t be caught dead admitting it, this wasn’t entirely a waste of his time.

Therefore, Sasuke, returning a similar self-satisfied grin, accepted the challenge and promised himself that Naruto would never claim that he kissed like a dead zombie ever again.

....