[fic] The Days After
Mar. 13th, 2011 11:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transient_wordsDisclaimer: I don't own anything.
Rating: R
Summary: In the end, all of this is so dumb. Suzaku/C.C. Strong hints of Suzaku/Lelouch, and implied Suzaku/Euphy. Post R2.
Warning(s): Bracket abuse, present tense, sex happening for all the wrong reasons.
A/N: Written for the kink meme. Original thread here.
***
Suzaku figures he should be grateful.
Lelouch -- when he disappeared from this world after a haze of short-lived glory as an emperor who died way too young (life is too short to not make an epic tragedy out of it, he always had said after sex, his voice amused and Suzaku nodding because he was too dazed and tired to argue.)
So, the demon emperor died, brought down on to his hands and feet by justice (just as they’d planned -- Zero Requiem unfolding before their eyes like a map, showing clearly which path you had to take in order to reach paradise.)
Yes, he and Lelouch had been a perfect team. Suzaku chuckles bitterly and shakes his head. A perfect team of naive fools.
(two boys playing martyr and hero, building sandcastles in the air and thinking they ruled a world that could never truly be conquered.)
Of course, Lelouch couldn’t have predicted this outcome. Couldn’t have predicted that the world would continue spinning out of control, people hating and causing bloodshed, even once he was gone. And he couldn’t have foreseen that Suzaku -- living because he’d been commanded to do so -- would stick around for long enough to realise just how foolish they’d been in their idealism.
(Of course, Zero Requiem had had its merits. During Empress Nunnally’s lifetime, Japan had not only regained its freedom but had found a new prosperity -- a new wave of industrial developments that had propelled it back to a wealth and reputation that it had not experienced since the post-WWII days.)
But what did it matter now, anyways?
Zero Requiem, Lelouch , Nunnally, his father, Euphy --
(they were all gone. dead, dead, dead.)
All that’s left now of the world -- hardly a world now. Just charred landscapes and ruins of cities: buildings toppled over, skeletons with grinning skulls lying scattered all over the place like discarded puzzle bits, and a few insects running around, nourishing themselves on the rot and dirt of a long destroyed society.
Suzaku feels like laughing or crying, but he’s forgotten how to laugh and any tears he might have shed have long since run dry. You can only cry for so long until you realise that crying a river won’t bring him back or make you stop breathing.
A breeze sifts through the air, bringing ashes -- probably the remains of some building or even a person. Suzaku, dressed in a simple T-shirt and some jeans he found in a shop that hadn’t been utterly destroyed, shivers slightly. The sudden onslaught of chilly air won’t kill him after all (though he wishes it would). “God, Lelouch should have ordered Jeremiah to cancel my Geass once it became obvious I wasn’t going to point a gun at my head.”
But Suzaku knows very well that Lelouch wouldn’t have done that. He leans back against a boulder (or is it the remains of some building?) and feels grateful that it’s there – solid, something he can lean onto (his life, eternal or not, has fallen apart so much, that there aren’t even any pieces left to put it back together again).
“You’re still as dramatic as ever, boya,” a voice says and Suzaku -- because he hasn’t heard a human voice (is it human or just a figment of his imagination, he wonders) for ages, whips around and sees --
her.
(The witch, the ally to the boy emperor playing God --)
“C.C.” Suzaku is surprised how calm he sounds, despite the fact that his nerves are a haywire of tumultuous emotions now, and he suddenly feels very, very dizzy.
“I’m surprised,” she says and walks up to him, her hair fluttering behind as does so. She’s dressed strangely – an outfit that is a mixture of Catholic schoolgirl and Gothic Lolita. Oddly, it suits her because he never knew whether she was an innocent spectator or a cackling conspirator when everything went to hell. But Suzaku doesn’t know much about fashion, so he doesn’t pay much attention to her attire. ”I didn’t expect that ‘live on’ Geass to work so literally.” She does sound surprised, Suzaku thinks -- it’s slightly there in the slight widening of her eyes and the tone of her voice. A bit wondrous. Curious even.
Suzaku -- because he’s too stupefied and confused to do anything else -- shakes his head and smiles (so, he does remember how to still smile, he thinks). “I don’t think Lelouch knew himself that it would last forever.”
“Well,” C.C sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I guess the only thing left to ask is: how do you like being immortal?”
Suzaku’s eyes widen. What is he supposed to say to that?
(I love it. It’s so great to be alive when everyone you ever cared about has long since become dust and a long forgotten memory.)
“It’s a riot, isn’t it? C.C asks, but it’s not really a question. She’s leaning against the boulder herself now, her face devoid of any expression other than a strange mixture of amusement and weariness. Suzaku knows it’s weariness because he looks like that all the time now (once you stop crying and hating and being angry, you just grow tired). “Apocalypses -- or whatever else you call them -- are my favourite. Never stops being funny.”
A question forms itself in Suzaku’s mind. “You-you’ve been through them before? I thought--”
She chuckles and looks at him, her eyes glinting with merry. “You’ve only been here for some ten decades. I’ve been here for so long that I’ve stopped counting.” The smile fades from her face, and she grows solemn, as if she’s remembering her entire existence (her entire undead life flashing before her eyes, like rolls and rolls of scriptures). ”Have you never heard of the saying ‘One empire falls, and the next one is born’?”
Suzaku shakes his head, thinking that there could be a saying like that, but then it could also be the reverse. In fact, he’s well-versed in sayings (Lelouch was fond of them, finding one for every opportunity – even when he was drunk on sex and Suzaku preferred to press kisses against his neck, rather than hearing Lelouch wax poetry on philosophy and what not).
“Well, don’t think that there were no survivors. There are. And, give it a decade or two, but soon the world will go back to being loud and triumphant again.” C.C sighs deeply and lifts her arms in the air, spreads them and puts them behind her head. “Which is good. I miss eating --”
“Pizza.” Suzaku finishes for her. It’s odd to say something so trivial, but Suzaku would rather talk about pizza than anything else.
C.C isn’t annoyed, merely looks at him and grins. “And there are things you don’t miss? Even a masochist like you must be fond of more than pain.”
(He misses so many things. Lelouch -- the way he used to smile at him, or tease him when he’d made a mistake at chess. He misses Lelouch’s voice, his hands and his warmth. He misses Nunnally’s gentleness and the way she smiled -- sadly, after his death, but still warmly. He misses Euphemia and her unwavering faith in him. He misses Gino and his stupid hugs. He misses Ashford. He misses too many things to list.)
“I admit I miss having sex.” C.C says it so nonchalantly that Suzaku freezes. That’s not what she should be saying, not here and not in front of him (he’s still so awkward and clueless, even now when he’s more than old enough to know better.)
C.C notices his discomfort, and cocks her head to the side – then smirks. “Oh, come on. It’s not like you’re some virgin. I know that you and,” she pauses for a moment, hesitating -- because of the name she’s about to say (a name Suzaku hasn’t heard uttered in ages), “Lelouch did it.”
Suzaku isn’t too surprised about her knowing. He and Lelouch weren’t exactly subtle when she was around. But he doesn’t want to hear it from her (what he and Lelouch did was private and is none of her business). “That --”
“I bet,” she licks her lips, “that he was the last person you had sex with. You have those odd hang ups about loyalty and such. Enough that you probably spent a whole decade mourning him.”
(Not only a decade. He knows that he’ll mourn him forever.)
“It’s not exactly like being Zero allowed me to go around and randomly screw people,” Suzaku says and feels indignant for a moment -- a part of him is still childish enough for that. But he really feels like reminding her that being Zero wasn’t just about donning a costume and talking cryptically (dramatic poses included).
“That’s only because you wanted it to be that way. Didn’t Zero have a lot of fangirls and boys?”
It’s stupid, but Suzaku chuckles and then starts laughing heartily. Really. Leave it to C.C to reduce everything to the silliest and most mundane of things. “I,” he says between bouts of chuckles, “really was busier doing my job. And I’m not sex-obsessed.”
He wonders about C.C then, because -- during the short time he got to know her -- she didn’t strike him as sex-obsessed either. Unless -
(But that was hardly possible. Though he tried to hide it, Lelouch was far too inexperienced.)
C.C seemed to have a knack for being able to read him (but Lelouch always told Suzaku that it wasn’t difficult to read him), and there’s mirth in her eyes now – she suddenly looks young. “Oh no, don’t worry. I didn’t pop your precious Lelouch’s cherry. That was you.”
(Suzaku remembers the first time he slept with Lelouch, the way his body arched upwards and his hands were gripping his shoulders, the way he tried not to moan out loud, but failed as Suzaku thrust in deeper, harder --)
“It was tempting, though. He was so awkward when it came to sex. And the two times I kissed him, he just froze. Priceless, I tell you. I wonder whether he was frig--”
“No. He was quite into it when I kissed him.” Suzaku suddenly realises what he’s saying and to whom, and he shuts his mouth.
“He’s dead, Suzaku. You’re not paying him any disrespect by talking about him or how he was during sex.”
Of course, C.C wouldn’t understand that, for Japanese people, someone becomes even more precious once they are gone, that you should cherish them even more so and not do anything to incur their wrath. “I just don’t want to share those things with others. That part of him -- only I knew it.”
C.C nods. “I miss him too. If that’s what you’re curious about.” For the first time, there is emotion in her voice -- it’s not heavy nor is her voice dripping with it, but there is regret and longing. Suzaku knows it’s longing because only longing – genuine longing - sounds so bitter, sad and nostalgic.
Suzaku nods in understanding, and they don’t speak at all for a while. They’ve never had much to say to each other, so it doesn’t strike Suzaku as weird or odd.
“Where do you sleep?”
Immortals don’t have to sleep actually. Suzaku found that out a while ago, found out that he also doesn’t have to eat (it’s pleasing and feels good, but he can go without food for long stretches of time). But Suzaku likes to close his eyes from time to time when the thoughts get too much, and he just wants to come the closest to death as an immortal can be.
Suzaku points at a building -- it’s one of the few that is still left standing. “It’s not the most comfortable but better than being outside all the time.”
***
She follows him. Suzaku isn’t surprised. Actually, it’s probably the most natural thing for her to follow him, and Suzaku to accept it. It’s not like she has anywhere else to go, and he doesn’t have much reason to object to her presence.
“Charming place,” she tells him as she eyes the room. The walls are darkened. The only illumination is a candle Suzaku has lighted. There are matchboxes around, and, as long as he hasn’t run out of them, Suzaku will use them (later on, he’ll just resort to sticks -- good old sticks). There’s not much in the room apart from one bed with ragged bed sheets -- clean though because Suzaku washes them at the river every few days -- and a table. There are a few books, but Suzaku can’t read them because they are soiled.
(Reading reminds him too much of Lelouch, the books he read out loud to Suzaku – to tease him, to annoy him, to get Suzaku to shut him up.)
C.C has already made herself comfortable, taken off her clothes in fact. He can see her clothes strewn carelessly around the floor. It’s funny how he’s not surprised or even awkward around her. Maybe because he’s just too tired to care.
Suzaku heaves a sigh and, removing his boots, gets into bed too.
***
He dreams of Lelouch this time.
Lelouch’s mouth was hot against his, as he kissed him -- left kisses on his mouth, his neck while his hands travelled further downwards. Underneath him, on the grass, Lelouch was shivering slightly, his hands already gripping Suzaku’s shoulders and his mouth making those delicious little sounds.
“Suzaku, not here – people can see. How,“ he sighed and trailed his fingertips against Suzaku’s cheeks,“ would I explain my current predicament?”
Suzaku stopped for a second and grinned boyishly. “You are the emperor. You don’t have to explain yourself.”
“No,” Lelouch said and chuckled softly. “But I don’t want to go into history as the monarch who was --”
Suzaku kissed him again, this time pushing his tongue into Lelouch’s mouth and making the other boy moan, his body arching upwards as they kissed.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all, Lelouch.”
“You’re an idiot, Suzaku.” But Lelouch was smiling and didn’t push him away.
Suzaku didn’t care what the history books would write about his and Lelouch’s relationship. It didn’t matter because he just wanted Lelouch now -- now because time was running against them and Suzaku wanted to cherish those little moments.
***
Suzaku wakes up with a gasp. He hates those dreams, hates them the most because they seem so real and, if he closes his eyes again, he swears he can still taste Lelouch on his lips, can still feel those hands wrapped around him and hear that voice.
“Welcome to the less funny aspects of being an immortal,” C.C whispers and Suzaku turns to look at her, suddenly feeling dreadfully, dreadfully cold. And lonely.
“I just didn’t think he’d haunt me for so long.” But then again, Suzaku doesn’t know what he was expecting, if he was expecting anything at all.
(He just knew that his life would be empty, once he was gone. And he’d been fine with that, since that had been the price he’d paid.)
“You loved him. The ones you love always remain with you for the longest.”
Suzaku wishes it were that simple. “I loved him first. Then I hated him, while part of me still loved him. And then I loved and hated him equally. Until I no longer knew just what I -- sometimes I wish I’d died the day I met him again. And sometimes, I wish I hadn’t saved him.”
(Because there is a part of him that still dreams about the day Euphy died.)
“Thinking like this goes against everything he wanted for you. He wanted you to be happy, not mourn the past.”
Suzaku snorts because C.C’s words sound too much like something he would have said.“You see, that was Lelouch’s biggest problem. He always wanted things for others, without asking them whether they really wanted it.” Suzaku doesn’t why he’s telling her this, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like there’s anyone else he can share this with. And C.C -- she knew Lelouch as well.
A smile crawls up C.C’s features -- oddly serene. “In the end, he did understand.”
“Yes.” But he’s not smiling. Suzaku feels like slamming his fist against the wall instead.
Only it was too late for him, Suzaku thinks and remembers how part of Lelouch never got how it wasn’t just the world that deserved happiness, but Nunnally too.
(She’d only wanted her brother to be with her, nothing else. And, if Suzaku were selfish, he’d add himself to the list of people who just wanted to be with him as well.)
“Do you wish you hadn’t killed him?”
Suzaku blinks. “What kind of question is that?”
Of course, he’s asked it himself a thousand of times, always going back and replaying the moment.
(Cutting through Lelouch’s white robes, through his flash until that sword’s blade was fully buried.)
“A simple one,” C.C looks at him earnestly, “if you could go back, back to that moment -- would you still have killed him?”
Suzaku knows that C.C is just playing with him. Of course, he can only say “no” to that (because Zero Requiem wasn’t just about Lelouch redeeming himself but Suzaku as well. And it was their plan. And, even if Suzaku didn’t like all of it, he wouldn’t have gone back on his word.)
“If I could go back in time, I’d have prevented him from ever getting that Geass.”
“Hmm, even if it saved Japan?” C.C’s tone is amused, mocking.
“It didn’t save Japan. In the end, it didn’t save anyone at all.” And he means it. Because at just what price did Lelouch use that power of his? He not only lost his own life but a chance of being happy himself. And so many people had to die--
(He often thinks that Euphy, him and Ze- no, Lelouch could have saved Japan together, too.)
“Oh well. I think you have several twenty or thirty decades to wonder about this.”
Suzaku doesn’t like how C.C is talking to him -- as if he is some kid and not a man who was Zero for several decades. But then, she treated Lelouch like this too, though that’s not really what he’s worried about now.
“Can I …,” he swallows, not sure how to word this; he’s been wondering about it for ages.
“Enter into a contract yourself?”
“Yes.”
C.C is silent for a moment, then sighs loudly. “I don’t know. Possibly. Would you try it out if you could? It would make you disappear.”
Suzaku doesn’t answer immediately, but he shakes his head. Seems like C.C really doesn’t know. “You haven’t disappeared yourself yet. I wasn’t actually expecting you to be around still.”
“People break their promises all the time. And, in the end, you just grow tired of being disappointed time and time again.”
Suzaku sighs too. “Ah, I guess -- I”ll just remain this way. Until -- I don’t know. Until something happens.”
“Lelouch was the last person I entered a contract with.” C.C sounds as apathetic as ever when she says this, but Suzaku can hear the emotion in her voice again, the -- is it guilt? -- behind that mask of apathy.
“Did you --” He doesn’t finish because he doesn’t know how to ask if she loved him. The question sounds too naive, even in his head.
“I told you I miss him.” A beat. “It wasn’t love. We were dependent on each other, but it wasn’t love.”
Suzaku isn’t too surprised when C.C kisses him. Perhaps, had he been much younger and less used to things being strange, he would have pushed her away and blushed. But he’s so jaded, so tired and so used to things being illogical that he allows her tongue to push past his lips and enter his mouth.
She’s good at this, he thinks but then reminds himself that she’s probably done this more than often enough.
And, though immortals don’t have to eat and sleep, they crave companionship like all other beings. And, though he’s never envisioned C.C as a potential sexual partner until now, he likes the way her body is pressing against his, her full breasts against his chest and her legs rubbing against his groin.
“Hard already.” C.C grins, letting the sheets fall from her frame, and straddles him. Suzaku closes his eyes, simply thinking that he just wants her to get on with it.
C.C. seems just as impatient as he feels because she’s already unfastened his jeans, and her hands are on his chest as she’s positioning herself.
Suzaku keeps his eyes closed as she starts to fuck him (it’s her who’s directing all of this, going up and down on him).
The rhythm is fast and hard; Suzaku’s hips meet her movements more out of instinct rather than anything else and it does feel good, because the last time he was so close to another person was ages and ages ago.
With his eyes closed, he can pretend it’s him.
(Lelouch, who was arrogant when he ruled, but warm when he smiled and embarrassed when you teased him.)
And, suddenly, he’s really into it. He flips them over, driving into her as she wraps her legs around his waist.
(But C.C isn’t Lelouch. She isn’t all long limbs and muffled moans and violet eyes looking into his -- telling him everything he needs to know - “I love you” and “I want you” and “I need you”.
She isn’t Euphy either. She isn’t stolen kisses in palace gardens and soft hands holding his while talking about Japan and freedom and happiness.)
And, for a moment, Suzaku’s eyes open, and he stares into her expressionless ones, and he fucking hates her. Because -- he thrusts into her harder now -- it was her who gave Lelouch that Geass, and -- he pulls out only to slam back in again -- if it weren’t for her and her stupid abilities, Lelouch wouldn’t have died at eighteen and --
(Suzaku wouldn’t be living and spending all of his days, wondering what it could have been like. Wondering where the hell they both went wrong that things had to turn out the way they did.)
She doesn’t moan. Not even when he feels her climaxing. But he doesn’t moan either when he’s over the edge, merely spilling himself inside of her and then pulling out. She turns around, pulls one of the sheets over her body and -- as if sensing it was the right time to do so -- the candle goes out.
(Dumb. All of this is so dumb).
Suzaku wonders if the sex was just as meaningless and empty for her as it was for him (because it didn’t mean anything in the long run. He doesn’t love her, and she doesn’t care about him either). But, even if it was, she doesn’t say a word and goes to sleep.
He doesn’t say ‘goodnight’, doesn’t say anything. Just closes his eyes (at least, when he closes his eyes, he can pretend that this is all just a bad dream, and he’ll wake up again -- to see Lelouch by his side, talking about a new hat he wants to design.)
Suzaku knows C.C will be there the morning after.
***
"If you could live forever, Suzaku - what would you do?"
Suzaku smiled and thought Lelouch was being foolish. Why would you want to live forever? "I wouldn't. It'd be boring."
Suzaku didn't like boring things: he liked it when everything was full of life, and he could have fun with Lelouch and Nunnally. What was being immortal compared to that?
Lelouch clearly didn't think so - his eyes were wide and he seemed excited. "I'd use my knowledge and wisdom to change the world."
Maybe, Lelouch is right, Suzaku thought, but then he wasn't sure what he should think. He was only ten and simply knew that he wanted to stay by Lelouch's side.
Suzaku smiled warmly at Lelouch. "I'd be lonely. It would be lonely without you and Nunnally. I'd rather die at an early age than spend eternity without you."
(Because they were his world, and nothing else).
***
Rating: R
Summary: In the end, all of this is so dumb. Suzaku/C.C. Strong hints of Suzaku/Lelouch, and implied Suzaku/Euphy. Post R2.
Warning(s): Bracket abuse, present tense, sex happening for all the wrong reasons.
A/N: Written for the kink meme. Original thread here.
***
Suzaku figures he should be grateful.
Lelouch -- when he disappeared from this world after a haze of short-lived glory as an emperor who died way too young (life is too short to not make an epic tragedy out of it, he always had said after sex, his voice amused and Suzaku nodding because he was too dazed and tired to argue.)
So, the demon emperor died, brought down on to his hands and feet by justice (just as they’d planned -- Zero Requiem unfolding before their eyes like a map, showing clearly which path you had to take in order to reach paradise.)
Yes, he and Lelouch had been a perfect team. Suzaku chuckles bitterly and shakes his head. A perfect team of naive fools.
(two boys playing martyr and hero, building sandcastles in the air and thinking they ruled a world that could never truly be conquered.)
Of course, Lelouch couldn’t have predicted this outcome. Couldn’t have predicted that the world would continue spinning out of control, people hating and causing bloodshed, even once he was gone. And he couldn’t have foreseen that Suzaku -- living because he’d been commanded to do so -- would stick around for long enough to realise just how foolish they’d been in their idealism.
(Of course, Zero Requiem had had its merits. During Empress Nunnally’s lifetime, Japan had not only regained its freedom but had found a new prosperity -- a new wave of industrial developments that had propelled it back to a wealth and reputation that it had not experienced since the post-WWII days.)
But what did it matter now, anyways?
Zero Requiem, Lelouch , Nunnally, his father, Euphy --
(they were all gone. dead, dead, dead.)
All that’s left now of the world -- hardly a world now. Just charred landscapes and ruins of cities: buildings toppled over, skeletons with grinning skulls lying scattered all over the place like discarded puzzle bits, and a few insects running around, nourishing themselves on the rot and dirt of a long destroyed society.
Suzaku feels like laughing or crying, but he’s forgotten how to laugh and any tears he might have shed have long since run dry. You can only cry for so long until you realise that crying a river won’t bring him back or make you stop breathing.
A breeze sifts through the air, bringing ashes -- probably the remains of some building or even a person. Suzaku, dressed in a simple T-shirt and some jeans he found in a shop that hadn’t been utterly destroyed, shivers slightly. The sudden onslaught of chilly air won’t kill him after all (though he wishes it would). “God, Lelouch should have ordered Jeremiah to cancel my Geass once it became obvious I wasn’t going to point a gun at my head.”
But Suzaku knows very well that Lelouch wouldn’t have done that. He leans back against a boulder (or is it the remains of some building?) and feels grateful that it’s there – solid, something he can lean onto (his life, eternal or not, has fallen apart so much, that there aren’t even any pieces left to put it back together again).
“You’re still as dramatic as ever, boya,” a voice says and Suzaku -- because he hasn’t heard a human voice (is it human or just a figment of his imagination, he wonders) for ages, whips around and sees --
her.
(The witch, the ally to the boy emperor playing God --)
“C.C.” Suzaku is surprised how calm he sounds, despite the fact that his nerves are a haywire of tumultuous emotions now, and he suddenly feels very, very dizzy.
“I’m surprised,” she says and walks up to him, her hair fluttering behind as does so. She’s dressed strangely – an outfit that is a mixture of Catholic schoolgirl and Gothic Lolita. Oddly, it suits her because he never knew whether she was an innocent spectator or a cackling conspirator when everything went to hell. But Suzaku doesn’t know much about fashion, so he doesn’t pay much attention to her attire. ”I didn’t expect that ‘live on’ Geass to work so literally.” She does sound surprised, Suzaku thinks -- it’s slightly there in the slight widening of her eyes and the tone of her voice. A bit wondrous. Curious even.
Suzaku -- because he’s too stupefied and confused to do anything else -- shakes his head and smiles (so, he does remember how to still smile, he thinks). “I don’t think Lelouch knew himself that it would last forever.”
“Well,” C.C sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I guess the only thing left to ask is: how do you like being immortal?”
Suzaku’s eyes widen. What is he supposed to say to that?
(I love it. It’s so great to be alive when everyone you ever cared about has long since become dust and a long forgotten memory.)
“It’s a riot, isn’t it? C.C asks, but it’s not really a question. She’s leaning against the boulder herself now, her face devoid of any expression other than a strange mixture of amusement and weariness. Suzaku knows it’s weariness because he looks like that all the time now (once you stop crying and hating and being angry, you just grow tired). “Apocalypses -- or whatever else you call them -- are my favourite. Never stops being funny.”
A question forms itself in Suzaku’s mind. “You-you’ve been through them before? I thought--”
She chuckles and looks at him, her eyes glinting with merry. “You’ve only been here for some ten decades. I’ve been here for so long that I’ve stopped counting.” The smile fades from her face, and she grows solemn, as if she’s remembering her entire existence (her entire undead life flashing before her eyes, like rolls and rolls of scriptures). ”Have you never heard of the saying ‘One empire falls, and the next one is born’?”
Suzaku shakes his head, thinking that there could be a saying like that, but then it could also be the reverse. In fact, he’s well-versed in sayings (Lelouch was fond of them, finding one for every opportunity – even when he was drunk on sex and Suzaku preferred to press kisses against his neck, rather than hearing Lelouch wax poetry on philosophy and what not).
“Well, don’t think that there were no survivors. There are. And, give it a decade or two, but soon the world will go back to being loud and triumphant again.” C.C sighs deeply and lifts her arms in the air, spreads them and puts them behind her head. “Which is good. I miss eating --”
“Pizza.” Suzaku finishes for her. It’s odd to say something so trivial, but Suzaku would rather talk about pizza than anything else.
C.C isn’t annoyed, merely looks at him and grins. “And there are things you don’t miss? Even a masochist like you must be fond of more than pain.”
(He misses so many things. Lelouch -- the way he used to smile at him, or tease him when he’d made a mistake at chess. He misses Lelouch’s voice, his hands and his warmth. He misses Nunnally’s gentleness and the way she smiled -- sadly, after his death, but still warmly. He misses Euphemia and her unwavering faith in him. He misses Gino and his stupid hugs. He misses Ashford. He misses too many things to list.)
“I admit I miss having sex.” C.C says it so nonchalantly that Suzaku freezes. That’s not what she should be saying, not here and not in front of him (he’s still so awkward and clueless, even now when he’s more than old enough to know better.)
C.C notices his discomfort, and cocks her head to the side – then smirks. “Oh, come on. It’s not like you’re some virgin. I know that you and,” she pauses for a moment, hesitating -- because of the name she’s about to say (a name Suzaku hasn’t heard uttered in ages), “Lelouch did it.”
Suzaku isn’t too surprised about her knowing. He and Lelouch weren’t exactly subtle when she was around. But he doesn’t want to hear it from her (what he and Lelouch did was private and is none of her business). “That --”
“I bet,” she licks her lips, “that he was the last person you had sex with. You have those odd hang ups about loyalty and such. Enough that you probably spent a whole decade mourning him.”
(Not only a decade. He knows that he’ll mourn him forever.)
“It’s not exactly like being Zero allowed me to go around and randomly screw people,” Suzaku says and feels indignant for a moment -- a part of him is still childish enough for that. But he really feels like reminding her that being Zero wasn’t just about donning a costume and talking cryptically (dramatic poses included).
“That’s only because you wanted it to be that way. Didn’t Zero have a lot of fangirls and boys?”
It’s stupid, but Suzaku chuckles and then starts laughing heartily. Really. Leave it to C.C to reduce everything to the silliest and most mundane of things. “I,” he says between bouts of chuckles, “really was busier doing my job. And I’m not sex-obsessed.”
He wonders about C.C then, because -- during the short time he got to know her -- she didn’t strike him as sex-obsessed either. Unless -
(But that was hardly possible. Though he tried to hide it, Lelouch was far too inexperienced.)
C.C seemed to have a knack for being able to read him (but Lelouch always told Suzaku that it wasn’t difficult to read him), and there’s mirth in her eyes now – she suddenly looks young. “Oh no, don’t worry. I didn’t pop your precious Lelouch’s cherry. That was you.”
(Suzaku remembers the first time he slept with Lelouch, the way his body arched upwards and his hands were gripping his shoulders, the way he tried not to moan out loud, but failed as Suzaku thrust in deeper, harder --)
“It was tempting, though. He was so awkward when it came to sex. And the two times I kissed him, he just froze. Priceless, I tell you. I wonder whether he was frig--”
“No. He was quite into it when I kissed him.” Suzaku suddenly realises what he’s saying and to whom, and he shuts his mouth.
“He’s dead, Suzaku. You’re not paying him any disrespect by talking about him or how he was during sex.”
Of course, C.C wouldn’t understand that, for Japanese people, someone becomes even more precious once they are gone, that you should cherish them even more so and not do anything to incur their wrath. “I just don’t want to share those things with others. That part of him -- only I knew it.”
C.C nods. “I miss him too. If that’s what you’re curious about.” For the first time, there is emotion in her voice -- it’s not heavy nor is her voice dripping with it, but there is regret and longing. Suzaku knows it’s longing because only longing – genuine longing - sounds so bitter, sad and nostalgic.
Suzaku nods in understanding, and they don’t speak at all for a while. They’ve never had much to say to each other, so it doesn’t strike Suzaku as weird or odd.
“Where do you sleep?”
Immortals don’t have to sleep actually. Suzaku found that out a while ago, found out that he also doesn’t have to eat (it’s pleasing and feels good, but he can go without food for long stretches of time). But Suzaku likes to close his eyes from time to time when the thoughts get too much, and he just wants to come the closest to death as an immortal can be.
Suzaku points at a building -- it’s one of the few that is still left standing. “It’s not the most comfortable but better than being outside all the time.”
***
She follows him. Suzaku isn’t surprised. Actually, it’s probably the most natural thing for her to follow him, and Suzaku to accept it. It’s not like she has anywhere else to go, and he doesn’t have much reason to object to her presence.
“Charming place,” she tells him as she eyes the room. The walls are darkened. The only illumination is a candle Suzaku has lighted. There are matchboxes around, and, as long as he hasn’t run out of them, Suzaku will use them (later on, he’ll just resort to sticks -- good old sticks). There’s not much in the room apart from one bed with ragged bed sheets -- clean though because Suzaku washes them at the river every few days -- and a table. There are a few books, but Suzaku can’t read them because they are soiled.
(Reading reminds him too much of Lelouch, the books he read out loud to Suzaku – to tease him, to annoy him, to get Suzaku to shut him up.)
C.C has already made herself comfortable, taken off her clothes in fact. He can see her clothes strewn carelessly around the floor. It’s funny how he’s not surprised or even awkward around her. Maybe because he’s just too tired to care.
Suzaku heaves a sigh and, removing his boots, gets into bed too.
***
He dreams of Lelouch this time.
Lelouch’s mouth was hot against his, as he kissed him -- left kisses on his mouth, his neck while his hands travelled further downwards. Underneath him, on the grass, Lelouch was shivering slightly, his hands already gripping Suzaku’s shoulders and his mouth making those delicious little sounds.
“Suzaku, not here – people can see. How,“ he sighed and trailed his fingertips against Suzaku’s cheeks,“ would I explain my current predicament?”
Suzaku stopped for a second and grinned boyishly. “You are the emperor. You don’t have to explain yourself.”
“No,” Lelouch said and chuckled softly. “But I don’t want to go into history as the monarch who was --”
Suzaku kissed him again, this time pushing his tongue into Lelouch’s mouth and making the other boy moan, his body arching upwards as they kissed.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all, Lelouch.”
“You’re an idiot, Suzaku.” But Lelouch was smiling and didn’t push him away.
Suzaku didn’t care what the history books would write about his and Lelouch’s relationship. It didn’t matter because he just wanted Lelouch now -- now because time was running against them and Suzaku wanted to cherish those little moments.
***
Suzaku wakes up with a gasp. He hates those dreams, hates them the most because they seem so real and, if he closes his eyes again, he swears he can still taste Lelouch on his lips, can still feel those hands wrapped around him and hear that voice.
“Welcome to the less funny aspects of being an immortal,” C.C whispers and Suzaku turns to look at her, suddenly feeling dreadfully, dreadfully cold. And lonely.
“I just didn’t think he’d haunt me for so long.” But then again, Suzaku doesn’t know what he was expecting, if he was expecting anything at all.
(He just knew that his life would be empty, once he was gone. And he’d been fine with that, since that had been the price he’d paid.)
“You loved him. The ones you love always remain with you for the longest.”
Suzaku wishes it were that simple. “I loved him first. Then I hated him, while part of me still loved him. And then I loved and hated him equally. Until I no longer knew just what I -- sometimes I wish I’d died the day I met him again. And sometimes, I wish I hadn’t saved him.”
(Because there is a part of him that still dreams about the day Euphy died.)
“Thinking like this goes against everything he wanted for you. He wanted you to be happy, not mourn the past.”
Suzaku snorts because C.C’s words sound too much like something he would have said.“You see, that was Lelouch’s biggest problem. He always wanted things for others, without asking them whether they really wanted it.” Suzaku doesn’t why he’s telling her this, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like there’s anyone else he can share this with. And C.C -- she knew Lelouch as well.
A smile crawls up C.C’s features -- oddly serene. “In the end, he did understand.”
“Yes.” But he’s not smiling. Suzaku feels like slamming his fist against the wall instead.
Only it was too late for him, Suzaku thinks and remembers how part of Lelouch never got how it wasn’t just the world that deserved happiness, but Nunnally too.
(She’d only wanted her brother to be with her, nothing else. And, if Suzaku were selfish, he’d add himself to the list of people who just wanted to be with him as well.)
“Do you wish you hadn’t killed him?”
Suzaku blinks. “What kind of question is that?”
Of course, he’s asked it himself a thousand of times, always going back and replaying the moment.
(Cutting through Lelouch’s white robes, through his flash until that sword’s blade was fully buried.)
“A simple one,” C.C looks at him earnestly, “if you could go back, back to that moment -- would you still have killed him?”
Suzaku knows that C.C is just playing with him. Of course, he can only say “no” to that (because Zero Requiem wasn’t just about Lelouch redeeming himself but Suzaku as well. And it was their plan. And, even if Suzaku didn’t like all of it, he wouldn’t have gone back on his word.)
“If I could go back in time, I’d have prevented him from ever getting that Geass.”
“Hmm, even if it saved Japan?” C.C’s tone is amused, mocking.
“It didn’t save Japan. In the end, it didn’t save anyone at all.” And he means it. Because at just what price did Lelouch use that power of his? He not only lost his own life but a chance of being happy himself. And so many people had to die--
(He often thinks that Euphy, him and Ze- no, Lelouch could have saved Japan together, too.)
“Oh well. I think you have several twenty or thirty decades to wonder about this.”
Suzaku doesn’t like how C.C is talking to him -- as if he is some kid and not a man who was Zero for several decades. But then, she treated Lelouch like this too, though that’s not really what he’s worried about now.
“Can I …,” he swallows, not sure how to word this; he’s been wondering about it for ages.
“Enter into a contract yourself?”
“Yes.”
C.C is silent for a moment, then sighs loudly. “I don’t know. Possibly. Would you try it out if you could? It would make you disappear.”
Suzaku doesn’t answer immediately, but he shakes his head. Seems like C.C really doesn’t know. “You haven’t disappeared yourself yet. I wasn’t actually expecting you to be around still.”
“People break their promises all the time. And, in the end, you just grow tired of being disappointed time and time again.”
Suzaku sighs too. “Ah, I guess -- I”ll just remain this way. Until -- I don’t know. Until something happens.”
“Lelouch was the last person I entered a contract with.” C.C sounds as apathetic as ever when she says this, but Suzaku can hear the emotion in her voice again, the -- is it guilt? -- behind that mask of apathy.
“Did you --” He doesn’t finish because he doesn’t know how to ask if she loved him. The question sounds too naive, even in his head.
“I told you I miss him.” A beat. “It wasn’t love. We were dependent on each other, but it wasn’t love.”
Suzaku isn’t too surprised when C.C kisses him. Perhaps, had he been much younger and less used to things being strange, he would have pushed her away and blushed. But he’s so jaded, so tired and so used to things being illogical that he allows her tongue to push past his lips and enter his mouth.
She’s good at this, he thinks but then reminds himself that she’s probably done this more than often enough.
And, though immortals don’t have to eat and sleep, they crave companionship like all other beings. And, though he’s never envisioned C.C as a potential sexual partner until now, he likes the way her body is pressing against his, her full breasts against his chest and her legs rubbing against his groin.
“Hard already.” C.C grins, letting the sheets fall from her frame, and straddles him. Suzaku closes his eyes, simply thinking that he just wants her to get on with it.
C.C. seems just as impatient as he feels because she’s already unfastened his jeans, and her hands are on his chest as she’s positioning herself.
Suzaku keeps his eyes closed as she starts to fuck him (it’s her who’s directing all of this, going up and down on him).
The rhythm is fast and hard; Suzaku’s hips meet her movements more out of instinct rather than anything else and it does feel good, because the last time he was so close to another person was ages and ages ago.
With his eyes closed, he can pretend it’s him.
(Lelouch, who was arrogant when he ruled, but warm when he smiled and embarrassed when you teased him.)
And, suddenly, he’s really into it. He flips them over, driving into her as she wraps her legs around his waist.
(But C.C isn’t Lelouch. She isn’t all long limbs and muffled moans and violet eyes looking into his -- telling him everything he needs to know - “I love you” and “I want you” and “I need you”.
She isn’t Euphy either. She isn’t stolen kisses in palace gardens and soft hands holding his while talking about Japan and freedom and happiness.)
And, for a moment, Suzaku’s eyes open, and he stares into her expressionless ones, and he fucking hates her. Because -- he thrusts into her harder now -- it was her who gave Lelouch that Geass, and -- he pulls out only to slam back in again -- if it weren’t for her and her stupid abilities, Lelouch wouldn’t have died at eighteen and --
(Suzaku wouldn’t be living and spending all of his days, wondering what it could have been like. Wondering where the hell they both went wrong that things had to turn out the way they did.)
She doesn’t moan. Not even when he feels her climaxing. But he doesn’t moan either when he’s over the edge, merely spilling himself inside of her and then pulling out. She turns around, pulls one of the sheets over her body and -- as if sensing it was the right time to do so -- the candle goes out.
(Dumb. All of this is so dumb).
Suzaku wonders if the sex was just as meaningless and empty for her as it was for him (because it didn’t mean anything in the long run. He doesn’t love her, and she doesn’t care about him either). But, even if it was, she doesn’t say a word and goes to sleep.
He doesn’t say ‘goodnight’, doesn’t say anything. Just closes his eyes (at least, when he closes his eyes, he can pretend that this is all just a bad dream, and he’ll wake up again -- to see Lelouch by his side, talking about a new hat he wants to design.)
Suzaku knows C.C will be there the morning after.
***
"If you could live forever, Suzaku - what would you do?"
Suzaku smiled and thought Lelouch was being foolish. Why would you want to live forever? "I wouldn't. It'd be boring."
Suzaku didn't like boring things: he liked it when everything was full of life, and he could have fun with Lelouch and Nunnally. What was being immortal compared to that?
Lelouch clearly didn't think so - his eyes were wide and he seemed excited. "I'd use my knowledge and wisdom to change the world."
Maybe, Lelouch is right, Suzaku thought, but then he wasn't sure what he should think. He was only ten and simply knew that he wanted to stay by Lelouch's side.
Suzaku smiled warmly at Lelouch. "I'd be lonely. It would be lonely without you and Nunnally. I'd rather die at an early age than spend eternity without you."
(Because they were his world, and nothing else).
***
