[fic] What You've Become

[transient_words]

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Zero will always obey her.

Warning(s): This is not fluffy. I'd say it's disturbing. Perhaps, fucked-up. Features sexual activities that really, really come close to being dub-con. Self-edited mostly. Hints of Suzaku/Lelouch because, um, I can't help it.

Notes: Written for the kinkmeme, original thread here. Not expecting any feedback for this, seriously.

***

This is just like any other day, Nunnally thinks.

Yes, any other day.

She's drinking tea, comfortably seated by her fancy table and is just waiting for Zero to come in - it's been like this for years already, if she really thinks about it, but she doesn't want to think about it right now. Thinking too much has only made her miserable, and Nunnally is fed up with mourning ghosts of the past.

She hears the sound of footsteps - regular and disciplined thumps, like the foot-marching of a soldier's - and Nunnally knows it's him. Because, wasn't he a solider once before he became a knight and, finally, a mask?

"Come in, Suzaku." Nunnally's smile widens as she notices him freezing ever so slightly at the mention of that name. He knows that she knows, and yet pretends to be horrified still, even though it's not the first time she's used that name (and it's not like anyone can hear them now; they're safe here, here in the privacy of her chambers). Nunnally feels this irresistible urge to roll her eyes. It's been how many years now, exactly?

(Five years, five long years, in which she's been forced to put on a smile, though she feels like crying every night).

"That name, your Highness –- you shouldn't use it." It's not his voice speaking, she knows that, but the fabricated tone the modulator gives him. But it's not like Nunnally misses the sound of his voice, even though she remembers that it was gentle - at least, always gentle in her presence (nearly as gentle and warm as her brother's voice was).

"Just close the door, Suzaku." Nunnally is still smiling, but her tone has grown cooler. It annoys her, the way he's hesitating, the way he's standing there and - though she can't see his face - the way he's looking at her (she wonders if he's upset, shocked or just resigned). "Please don't stall. Just close the door, Zero." That name snaps him back to reality, and Zero moves, as if nothing had happened (that's the whole gist of their relationship – them both pretending that nothing happened and that everything is just fine).

Zero is good at following orders, Nunnally thinks, and he obeys her this time too, closing the door quietly as he enters. He's nearly like a watch dog, and, maybe, her brother dearest was - at least - right about this. Zero will always obey her.

"You asked for me?"

Nunnally smiles sweetly and takes a sip of her tea; it's lukewarm now, but she doesn't mind. She has never liked hot things (they only burn her tongue, and Nunnally has already been burnt too often in her life). "I did."

And she sighs, an odd sensation of dullness creeping over her – Zero won't talk unless she asks him to, and it's - Nunnally doesn't really know why they even bother with this small talk because, in the end, it's only her doing the talking.

Up till now, it's really been like any other day, and if Nunnally just started talking about politics or the weather, they'd both behave accordingly to their assigned roles …

But Nunnally is fed up of following their usual routine, and, turning around, opens one of the shelves in the drawer behind her, and searches until she finds what she wants – yes, a lighter and a pack of cigarettes (she got the latter from Sayoko; Sayoko always does what Nunnally asks her to do).

Nunnally turns back to Zero, ignores the surprised gasp and – with the practiced ease of someone who's done this often before –- lights herself a cigarette, and then places both the pack and lighter on the table.

Ah, this feels good. She hasn't smoked in front of anyone else before, and is grateful that he's the first to see her like this (to everyone else, she's just a good girl, but – from today onwards – he'll know who she really is).

Yes, it's good he can see her like this because Nunnally knows that he hates it, and she also knows that he's one of the few who really cares.

She hears a groan, and smiles - still sweetly, just like the girl she once used to be, and wonders if Suzaku thinks it looks grotesque (it probably does, like shady underground art that shows a porcelain faced girl injecting herself with heroin).

"Your Highness -," Zero hesitates, and Nunnally shakes her head (here, he's still so very much Suzaku, so unlike Zero because the real Zero never hesitated),"smoking is not good for you."

Nunnally lets out a bitter laugh. "And who says that?" (The dead Demon Emperor, the perished Genocide Princess -?)

Right, she thinks. She's the fucking Empress. And she's twenty now. Not some child who needs to be protected –- she's a woman, in fact, and can do whatever she damn pleases. "You do realise I'm an adult, don't you?"

He doesn't have a comeback to that, of course, and Nunnally snorts. "Of course, Lelouch wouldn't have wanted it - that's what you wanted to say, wasn't it?"

She's never spoken that name in front of Zero before - it's always been taboo, something they both have avoided talking about in order to keep this perfect illusion alive. But that's the problem with illusions: they are temporary and Nunnally is fed up of living a life that's nothing but a lie. Most of all, she's fed up of having to pretend for him (he doesn't deserve it).

"I am sure Lelouch would have been thoroughly displeased," she says in her best ladylike fashion and, taking a last draw of her cigarette, squashes it inside of her (still not empty) cup, "but he's not here anymore, so it doesn't matter."

You killed him, she wants to add, but what's the point of being dramatic? Nunnally is sure he can hear the accusation in her voice, anyway. But then, it's not like she needs to accuse him, Nunnally knows that Suzaku is probably doing the job just fine by himself.

But she doesn't feel sorry for him.

"Just because he's gone doesn't mean things don't matter anymore." Zero walks to the table, and - for a second or two - she sees something defiant in his pose. It's nearly intimidating, but Nunnally is not scared. She's already been through hell and back. Besides, it's not like he'd really hurt her. She's not his enemy.

No, he's hers.

"So, what are you going to do now, Zero?" She's curious - she really is. "Scold me? Call me a bad little girl for -," Nunnally stops and shakes her head,"the problem is you can't do anything, and you know that, Suzaku."

Because he's under her control now, and Nunnally knows that he can't do anything about her smoking or not. At least, he won't if he's not entirely stupid – and Nunnally knows he's not. However, Nunnally also knows that this Zero is not always as rational as he should be (nothing like the old Zero who knew how to use every situation to his advantage).

"At least, if you're going to lecture me, take that blasted mask off."

"Your Highness-" Nunnally wants to chuckle again because that hesitation, that stiff way he's holding himself is so, so Suzaku. And not Zero. Not Lelouch. Just Suzaku -

(a boy she loved once and might have loved deeper, had things not gone to hell entirely).

"Take it off. It's an order." Nunnally is fed of having to speak to that mask. It gives him an unfair advantage, and Nunnally feels that, if they're going to be honest to each other now, she deserves to see his face.

Zero hesitates for a bit, but - because he knows there's no way out of it - he places a gloved hand against his mask and takes it off. His hand is trembling.

Nunnally gasps. She's never had any doubts about Zero being Suzaku, but - as she sees those green eyes - she's rendered speechless. Because it's something else to know without seeing, but another thing entirely to have the proof standing here directly before her.

She's never really seen Suzaku's face this close. Nunnally saw a picture or two taken before his supposed 'death' (one with Lelouch, still at Ashford Academy - both of them smiling and the other showing him and Euphy, also with both of them smiling).

The years have been kind to him, despite his profession. He looks a bit younger than his age, even - there's a still a bit of baby fat around his cheeks and Nunnally imagines that he'd look even more boyish if he smiled.

Nunnally shakes her head; she's being stupid now. He's only twenty-three, after all.

The same age Lelouch would have been … Her chest tightens. Yes, Lelouch would have been so many things, had Suzaku not –- (how she wishes she could hate him, Nunnally muses, it would make things so much easier, but she doesn't hate him entirely. Not as much as she should).

"Your Hi-"

"Call me 'Nunnally'." And it's only when she says it that Nunnally remembers how much she's missed the sound of her own name. "If we're going to talk openly, then let's just be 'Nunnally' and 'Suzaku' for now"

Not Zero and the Empress. Just a sister who's lost a brother and a best friend who's lost nearly everything he cared about.

(They're both so broken, it's not funny).

"Nunnally, I –"Suzaku falls silent, realising that he doesn't have to really say it because Nunnally understands. And he respects her enough to acknowledge that.

"You wanted to tell me how my brother would have wanted me to be happy, right?" She's bitter now, but then it's because neither Suzaku nor Lelouch ever, ever understood her. Of course they didn't, she thinks. They were too busy playing emperor and knight.

Suzaku smiles sadly and nods. He seems to be afraid of saying anything more, and - Nunnally doesn't want to feel sorry for him, but she feels her chest constricting at the thought - it hurts him too much to say more. Yes, it hurts him because there's so much sorrow in those eyes. More sorrow than one person should be bearing.

Yet, she's still not feeling sorry enough.

"The problem is that Lelouch was a fool." Nunnally sees Suzaku's eyes widen and his hands clenching, but she doesn't care. "And you, Suzaku, are a fool too."

"How can you say that - he sacrificed everything for you!" He's angry, and Nunnally freezes, but then smiles (he didn't defend himself, of course not) – but, like the true knight he is (like the best friend he still is, she thinks bitterly), Suzaku immediately jumped to Lelouch's defence.

"I never asked him or you to sacrifice anything for me," Nunnally says and lights herself another cigarette, ignoring the way Suzaku is looking at her," I just wanted to be happy with him and you at Ashford Academy. That was all I asked for." She never asked for Zero Requiem. Nor for any of this – not for a dead brother, a supposedly dead childhood friend or for the position of an Empress when, in her mind, someone else was much better suited for the role.

Suzaku grabs the cigarette from her hand and, as it falls on to the floor, he steps onto it - he's fast and efficient. "Don't do that. At least, if you're going to insult Lelouch, do it in another way. But don't destroy your health."

Nunnally chuckles and shakes her head. "Did Lelouch order you to act like my elder brother, too? So you not only became Zero, but -" However, she doesn't have to finish. She knows what Lelouch expected of Suzaku, and it sickens her because Lelouch always made the decisions for her. "Stop treating me like a child."

"I would if you stopped behaving like one." Suzaku is really angry, and he's not even trying to hide it from her now. His green eyes are blazing with – she can't decide if it's fury, disappointment, sadness or all of these. "If you want me to treat you like an adult, Nunnally, then behave like one, instead of," Suzaku looks at her directly this time, "acting like an angry brat."

Oh, so the dog has bite.

Nunnally knows that she's taking this too far, knows that now would be a good time to stop with this little experiment and return to their regular schedule of Empress and Zero, but - she's never seen Suzaku like this. And she loves it, she really does (it's better than wallowing in self-pity, she thinks).

He wants her to act like an adult then, doesn't he? Nunnally is sure she won't disappoint. It's not like being an Empress hasn't taught her a trick or two – after all, you get things done much easier when you fool people into believing you're cute and gullible until they're right there where you wanted them (and then, snap).

With deft movements, Nunnally lets one of her hands slide down, lower and lower until it's down there (Suzaku's eyes are wide now, so wide that he looks so much less like Knight Zero, but like a boy, a confused boy who's struggling with the option of either running away or remain standing here, like some statue carved out of stone) - she lets out a little hiss as she starts rubbing. Slowly at first, but insistently as the first sparks of pleasure shoot up her spine (yes, she can feel that, the doctors told her it's only her legs she can't feel).

"What are you doing – stop it," Suzaku says, and he sounds panicked – or, better said, totally bewildered and yes, that's it, Nunnally thinks. He has no idea what to do now, seeing her like this (because, Nunnally imagines, that of all things he'd expected her to do, it wouldn't be her pleasuring herself right there in front of him).

Maybe, in his mind, he – just like her brother (whom she loves still, but hates sometimes for having laden her with such a burden) – never saw her as a woman with needs and desires of her own – no, to them, Nunnally imagines, she was always a bit like a porcelain doll (smile sweetly and don't betray that you can frown too).

Nunnally smiles and, innocently - she can see how that tone makes Suzaku flinch - says," Why, I'm showing you I can behave like an adult."

And she can. Oh, she definitely can.

She's rubbing with only one finger now, slowly - and it feels good and she moans, letting out an "ahh" and closes her eyes. Nunnally lets her other hand trail upwards until it reaches one of her breasts. Slowly, she cups it through the material of her dress, running her hand over a nipple, and she's licking her lips a bit and her finger is still rubbing, and oh, she's getting wet -

Suzaku grabs hold of her. "Stop it, Nunnally." Suzaku is pleading with her, his green eyes full of pain and despair. For a second, Nunnally feels sorry because he's suffering, but –-

He asked for it.

His grip on her hand isn't strong, and so, Nunnally can wring herself free easily.

"What you're not enjoying the show?" Nunnally eyes him with bitterness and rolls her eyes. "Oh Suzaku, don't act like a virgin. I know," her voice drops to a whisper and she chuckles a bit, "that you loved Euphy, and I've heard the rumours about you and Lelouch too—"(There are no rumours, or she hadn't heard them, but Nunnally always sensed that her brother and Suzaku weren't just childhood friends. No, they were so many things, that them having been lovers too isn't such an unfathomable idea).

Suzaku doesn't respond, but – for a second – something flashes between his eyes: intense and it makes Nunnally feel afraid for a moment (this is the Suzaku who went after Zero, this is the Suzaku who killed his father). But it passes, and his lips tighten as his expression takes on something deeply grave and sorrowful.

So it was true, Nunnally realises, and feels something like pity wallow inside of her (Suzaku killed Lelouch even if he -). But it's only fleeting and soon the desire to hurt gains reign over her.

"I get it. I'm just not attractive enough for you – not as," she knows what Euphy looked like, saw the pictures, after all, "as womanly as Euphy was or," Nunnally pauses for a moment not believing what she's going to say next and hating herself a bit for it," as elegant as Lelouch—" (What did he look like, she wonders, when Suzaku made love to him, was he as composed then, or did he reveal his weaknesses – she's curious, she really is).

"Stop dirtying his name. Or hers," Suzaku says (his voice is something between sorrow and anger, and … love, Nunnally thinks, the sort of love that is deep and unyielding) and he's shaking badly now, his eyes narrowed. "If you want to punish me, that's fine, but stop dragging them into the dirt."

So he wants her to punish him? Nunnally frowns. This isn't as much fun if Suzaku wants it –- but it doesn't matter. If he wants it so bad, then Nunnally won't disappoint him. Besides, she's really excited now, and … an idea forms herself in her mind.

(She can never go back now, not after this, but it doesn't matter).

"Pleasure me then. With your mouth." Nunnally doesn't blush. She's not even looking at the ground. "If you won't do it, I'll just continue doing it myself." It's not an empty threat; Nunnally won't shy away from picking up right where she stopped.

For a second, Suzaku is silent and his eyes just look into hers (she wonders what he sees there, whether he can see all the bitterness, and if feels sad abou—no, she knows he does). He's conflicted – Nunnally can see that part of him is downright mortified, but that another part of him seems to understand. In the end, it's the part of Suzaku which understands that makes him drop to his feet before her –

(As if he were a knight expressing loyalty and devotion to his princess).

But this isn't about devotion. Or loyalty. No, as he kneels before her, letting his hands drop to his sides before raising one of them to her wheelchair, Nunnally knows it's just about her giving orders again and him giving in – yes, because he's the perfect servant.

Nunnally gasps out when Suzaku pulls her panties down – a quick movement and he's not looking at her. Suzaku doesn't look at her either when he settles between her thighs and – his tongue starts licking her there, slowly at first until – by gripping his hair – Nunnally gives him to understand that she wants it harder, more (she lets out an "ohh, good" as his tongue parts the folds and pushes in, in -) .

"Don't treat me like a china doll –- you're not Lelouch. And you don't need to treat me like he did." He pauses, and Nunnally smiles –- because she knows the mention of that name must hurt him, must disgust him right now (when he's got his tongue inside of her, when he's – in his mind – probably defiling whatever promise he gave to Lelouch). "Come on, just do it – harder."

And this time Suzaku complies, and starts fucking her with his mouth (his tongue really inside now, and she's gasping, clutching on to her wheelchair as pleasure takes over her, not as strong as the euphoria, the fact that she's proving a point, but still -)

It feels good, even if it's totally, totally wrong. Not only because this is Suzaku and she is Nunnally, and she isn't sure whether she hates him or loves him or both, but because none of this, none of this has anything to do with pleasure or love.

No, it shouldn't turn her on this much because there's no passion in the way he's doing it – none at all. Nunnally knows that Suzaku hates every minute of it, that he's probably thinking of Lelouch right now and what he would think –- (yes, Nunally thinks, as she feels something that's been building up inside of her grow bigger and then burst, Suzaku probably thinks he's betraying Lelouch – in the worst way possible).

It's over quicker than she can think, and Suzaku pushes her panties back up again, prepares to rise as Nunnally –- she doesn't know, just feels like it – says, "Wait, kiss me – don't wipe it off, just kiss me."

(She wants to taste the bitterness of her own downfall).

Suzaku's lips are soft, and warm; he's gentle when he kisses her, his lips not demanding, but Nunnally doesn't want gentleness, so she forces his mouth open by biting him – and Suzaku complies. And it's then that she can taste herself –- it's not bitter, just a bland taste and the taste is soon washed away by Suzaku (he tastes like so many things she can't identify, but feels are peculiarly him). Nunnally doesn't really know how to kiss, but pushes her tongue against his anyway, and – her eyes widen – when he, still tender, reciprocates.

Why, she wonders. Why – when Nunnally deliberately just humiliated him before – why is he so tender when he can taste the nicotine, certainly?

(But she doesn't worry anymore, as curiosity takes over and she massages his tongue gently with hers, and he does the same – she wraps her arms around his neck while they just kiss like that -)

It's Nunnally who breaks the kiss, confused. But then not. Maybe, this is what she wanted, after all. She looks into his eyes, sees that Suzaku is just as lost and, then again, as aware as she is.

Things have changed.

This time, Suzaku speaks first. "Nunnally, I – you're not alone. You don't have to be unhappy." His eyes are sad, he looks guilty even.

Nunnally smiles bitterly, and shakes her head.

It's just empty words, he knows that as well as she does (she is not alone, no, but then she is – because, after his death, there's a hole left behind that can never be filled). But maybe, he's right about one thing. She doesn't have to be unhappy. At least, not on her own.

"Suzaku, from now on, always take your mask off when we're alone in one room," Suzaku's eyes widen as he – he's not dumb, no and being Zero for the past five years has only made him shaper – realises the full implications of her words (he wants to say no, she can see it in his eyes).

However, Nunnally gives him no chance to reply. "You are dismissed."

No, she doesn't give him a choice in this matter. But then it's not like Suzaku or Lelouch did the same for her, either – did they?

So, this is only fair.

***